I was hurt by someone close to me this week.  It isn't anything new and if I'm being honest, it happens more than it should.  When she is triggered by something wrong in her life, she lashes out at those around her.  Especially those closest to her.  She hurts friends and family she loves, even though she honestly regrets it later.  One of those innocent bystanders close to her happens to be me. Well, I am probably best described as a bystander.  Innocent might be taking it a bit far.

We've been here before.  She says something hurtful, and I'm not one to let something hurtful go.  I respond in anger and hurt her back.  Predictably, drama ensues and the entire situation becomes exhausting.  I absolutely detest this cycle, but my temper always gets the best of me when these things happen.

Now things have changed.  I've been doing work around forgiveness and my temper, and I'm starting to react to these sorts of situations differently.  Maybe I don't need to go on the attack every time she attacks me.  Perhaps I can exhibit patience and restraint, even though she knows how to light the fuse to my red hair.  Is this even possible?  For a redhead?  God tells me it is.

How are we supposed to handle recurring hurt when it happens over and over?  What are we supposed to do about difficult relationships in the family or a work environment when we are not able to remove the person from our lives?  

The answer largely depends on the type of relationship, but here's a few thoughts around handling difficult relationships in your life that cause pain.

1. Focus on the Shield and not the Sword.  If someone is grating on your last nerve or causing your temper to flare, one option is to eat a bag of Cheetos.  However, if you do eat a bag of Cheetos, don't get the flaming hot ones.  An angry attitude plus flaming hot Cheetos is a bad combination and you don't need anymore fire in this situation.  Get the regular cheesy kind.  

Once you're done with the Cheetos, consider why this is continuing to happen.  Do you need to set some healthy boundaries?  Are you participating in this process in a way that is making it worse?   Your peace is God's gift to you.  Choose decisions that bring peace regardless of needing to prove your point.

Repetitive hurt requires a shield, not a sword.  Protecting yourself doesn't necessarily mean attacking the other person.  If you think about it, it is actually harder to protect yourself when you're on the attack.  When your focus is on offense, it is far more difficult to defend against an opponent's counterattacks.  A defense that is not able to be compromised never needs an offense anyway.  So, put away your sword, and focus on your shield.

Matthew 26:52: Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword.

God loves you tremendously.  You are His daughter and as a result, you are royalty.  God doesn't want His daughters living a restricted life.  We are meant to be free.  Often times these situations are an attack, designed to introduce unforgiveness and anger, ensnaring us into a prison of the mind.  We need to recognize an attack from the devil when we see one.

So, how do we defend ourselves against these attacks?  Where do we find our magical shields?  At a garage sale or an antique store? 

Psalm 7:10 My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart

God actually describes Himself as our shield.  This is great news, because you do not have to visit your local flea market to find yourself a shield, which could be difficult and time-consuming.  You already have One.  He is the One who protects us.  We don't have to defend ourselves in every situation because we are already protected. We have an invisible force field of love from the One who created us, protecting us on a continual basis.

But wait, there's more!   

Ephesians 6:16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one

Faith is confidence that God is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do.  When the Bible tells us to take up our shield of faith, we need to remind ourselves of truth.  God is who He says He is.  He will do what He says He will do.  He says He will protect me, and He will.  I don't have to defend myself anymore and I certainly don't have to attack.  I probably don't even need the Cheetos.

2. Focus on Boundaries.  Did you know the Bible has many examples of  appropriate boundaries?  Jesus showed us over and over again the need for boundaries.  Consider the amount of people He came into contact with on a daily basis.  Some were great, some were not.  Some loved Him and some wanted to use Him for their personal gain.  Either way, He always kept appropriate boundaries.

Matthew 5:37 "But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one"

When Jesus performed miracles, He often asked the recipient to do their part.  He asked one man to take his mat and walk, another to wash his eyes in a pool, and He once asked a sick man "Do you want to get well?".  

As Jesus was pressured, He didn't hurry or become stressed.  Even when His friend Lazarus was deathly ill, Jesus took two days to arrive at Lazarus' home.  He traveled when He could and stayed focused on His purpose, not everyone else's agenda.  He didn't exist in a harried, hurried state and He never worried about whether people were upset with Him. 

He was compassionate and generous, but He didn't take on other people's problems.  He told the truth in love.  He advised His followers to sin no more, give up the money that was controlling them, and have faith like a child.  He declined His disciples' plan to make Him into a political figure.  He knew who He was, and He didn't allow Himself to be used.  When His family had motives for Him that didn't align with His purpose, He refused to see them. 

Physically, He rested and took care of his body.  He took naps, even at inopportune times.  He withdrew from crowds to spend time with His creator.  

Healthy boundaries are not selfish.  They are critical for maintaining our peace and fulfilling our purpose.  Recurring hurt requires boundaries and the type of boundary needed is dependent upon the situation.  With my situation, part of my boundary is that I am no longer allowing someone else's pain to become mine.  This person doesn't get access to me when she is hurting me.  I can control if I am drug through a cycle that I detest, not someone else.  Just as Jesus was compassionate, I can be also.  However, I don't have to allow someone to hurt me over and over.  Boundaries allow this to happen without attacking the other person.  

"When a spouse says to the alcoholic, "you need to go to AA," that is obviously not true. The addict feels no need to do that at all, and isn't. But when she says, "I am moving out and will be open to getting back together when you are getting treatment for your addiction," then all of a sudden the addict feels "I need to get some help or I am going to lose my marriage." The need has been transferred. It is the same with any kind of problematic behavior of a person who is not taking feedback and ownership. The need and drive to do something about it must be transferred to that person, and that is done through having consequences that finally make him feel the pain instead of others. When he feels the pain, he will feel the need to change...A plan that has hope is one that limits your exposure to the foolish person's issues and forces him to feel the consequences of his performance so that he might have hope of waking up and changing.”

― Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

3. Focus on Forgiveness.  Once we've taken up our shield of faith and implemented boundaries, we don't want to allow past hurts to keep us in any sort of shackles.  Forgiveness stops past hurts from becoming future hurts.  

I had long believed I was just an angry person.  I've got red hair and with red hair comes a quick temper, I always told myself.  Perhaps to an extent, some of that is true.  I do seem to be genetically inclined to overreact to small things.  But, when my mind is always set on anger and revenge then its also focused on the hurt someone else did to me.  If we're always focused on how someone else hurt us, of course we're going to be angry.  

God's plan is to heal our hurt and restore our peace.  Anger is a byproduct of hurts that aren't healed.  You can band-aid it by rolling around thoughts of revenge in your mind, but sooner or later, the wound just continues to ooze pain until you've become someone you don't like anymore.