We are preparing for a large snowstorm this weekend. I, no longer a homeowner, do not need to worry about things such as my roof, my pipes, or shoveling my driveway. I am not bragging. Okay, maybe I am. But I am also so grateful the Lord helped me to sell my home and simplify my life. We would be digging ourselves out for days after this storm.
However, this post isn't about gratitude although I'd rather write about gratitude. This is another post on forgiveness because if I have to continue learning this lesson, I figure I will drag all of you through it with me.
The thing with divorce is that it makes some people really sad. It also makes some people really angry. I fall into the latter category. I am a recovering hothead, and my anger tendencies got so much worse through my divorce. Sometimes things still happen that light the fuse straight to my red hair. One of those things happened in the past few weeks.
It was a situation that didn't have anything to do with my divorce, actually. But, one of the lessons I learned from the aftermath of my divorce was I need proper and healthy boundaries. I have done (and still am doing) a lot of work in this area. It means I no longer drop everything for other people's needs (unless God asks me to), and I do not sacrifice myself (unless God asks me to) simply to please other people. I've lived my entire life trying to get other people to like me because I didn't like myself. The divorce magnified this greatly, and God has been trying to grow me in this area.
So, this is a change for friends who are used to having my center of attention anytime they want. True friends understand the reasons for my change, and they're supportive of my health and my new boundaries. Others don't handle it so well.
I was dealing with the "don't handle it well" scenario while trying to establish healthy boundaries. I did something new for me, and I declined an invitation to see a particular set of friends. Instead, I decided to allow myself time to rest and recover from a very long week at work. Not only did I decline the invitation, I told them I probably wouldn't see them for a few months due to my hectic work schedule.
All of a sudden my friends were no longer so friendly. They became rude and demanding.
Years of sacrifice for these friends, years of dropping everything for them when they needed me, and they can't be supportive when I am exhausted? I was surprised. I was hurt. But, mostly, I was really, really angry.
Yes, my fuse was lit over this situation. I played scenarios in my mind. How can I make sure they know they are wrong? I needed to send the message loud and clear. I pondered on this over and over. Then, I went from pondering this situation to replaying things that happened fifteen years ago in my marriage. I was wronged then, too! I thought about things that happened in my childhood. I was wronged then, too!
I only had one problem.
Years of walking with our precious Savior have taught me when I'm this mad, I'm the one who is wrong. How I wish it wasn't true. But, Jesus has shown me that even if I'm completely, absolutely, and totally right (and I am right to set boundaries) but I am reacting with fury, I am wrong.
It was a shame, really, because I was on a roll. I was about to set a lot of wrongs right. I had imaginary text messages written in my head. Fully edited. But, the Holy Spirit put a quiet little question into my mind. Are you really sure you want to allow your anger to control you like this?
I didn't like the question. I was, after all, setting boundaries God asked me to set. So, I took to my journal, as per my usual. I explained the situation to God, and I tried to find rationale for my rage. There was none, no matter how many angles I explored. God said exactly what I knew He would say. I want you to forgive, and I want you to let this go.
So, now I had a choice. I could listen to God or I could listen to my flesh. One leads to freedom, the other leads to bondage. I could make the hard decision now to forgive and walk in freedom, or make the easy decision to rant and live with hard consequences. If I'm being honest, what I wanted to do is rant and send those well-written text messages. But, I know deep down, I'm not on this earth to do what I want to do.
I asked God how I could possibly forgive when I'm this mad. Forgiveness is a great thing, yes, but I don't know how to practically make it happen. But, again, God really isn't one to entertain my excuses.
Pray for them. Forgive them.
I told God that I would pray for them. I would even say the words "I forgive them" in my prayers, but I knew I was still going to be mad for days and possibly weeks. I would say the words, but nothing in my body was going to feel it. It wasn't going to be sincere.
Every time you get mad, pray for them. Forgive them. Do your part and I will do mine.
If I prayed for them every time I got mad, I'd be praying all of the time! How was this going to work exactly? But, once again, I knew that if I didn't make the hard decision now to forgive I would be up all night, mad. This girl really hates to lose sleep. I would smolder for days, be miserable, and I would lash out at my kids. Then, I would feel guilty and hate myself for being the angry Mom. I really didn't want another ride on that emotional roller coaster. I've ridden it enough.
All of a sudden, this became about me instead of them. I started to fully understand I was going to be the one who suffered. So, I decided to try. I mean, really try.
The first day was such a battle. Every time the situation popped into my head, I would stop the thought process, pray for them, and tell God I've forgiven this and I am letting it go. Sometimes it would pop into my head again five minutes later. I'd have to do it all over again. I must have prayed twenty or thirty times. It was exhausting. But, you know what? Rage and anger are exhausting too. So, I decided I'd rather fight the flesh than succumb to it.
That night, I told God I wasn't going to go to bed angry regardless of my absolute desire to fall back into my old behaviors. As much as I could choose, I was going to choose forgiveness. I couldn't believe it, but I slept like a baby that night. It was a deep, peaceful sleep and I knew God was in this battle with me.
The second day was a little easier, but not much. The situation popped into my mind again shortly after I woke up. So, I went through it all again. I prayed. I forgave. I told God I was letting go. Then, I did it again. And again. And again. Once again, at the end of the day, I slept peacefully.
I awoke the third day and the situation popped into my head again. But, this time things were different. I had clarity that didn't exist before. I wasn't angry. I thought about their side of things. I wondered why they were so afraid to allow me some space. I thought about things that had happened to them, and fear they possibly had of losing people. I didn't know why they reacted the way they did, but I came to the conclusion that it ultimately wasn't about me. These issues were likely between them and God, and truly I did need to pray for them.
Then, miraculously, I was able to let it go. If they continue to treat me this way, I reasoned, then they weren't my friends to begin with. But, I can let it go. If need be, I can also let them go. I can do all of these things and not be angry anymore.
This may seem like common sense to other people, but this was a brand new thing for me. The light bulb above my head turned on. I have the ability to do things regardless of how I feel, including forgiveness. I can be really, really angry and still choose to forgive. I can be obedient to God during the storm, while the feelings are bubbling over. My feelings do not get the final say!
What a revelation for me. What a new level of freedom. I came across these verses in Job that were timely for me. By revisiting every wrong that's ever been done to me (and also not recognizing wrongs I've done to others), it feels like entertaining evil in my mind as referred in the passage. If you refuse to entertain it, you'll keep a firm grip on life and troubles will fade away.
Job 11: 13-20 “Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him, If you scrub your hands of sin and refuse to entertain evil in your home, You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.
You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dawn. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again; you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.
Expansive, without a care in the world, you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing. But the wicked will see none of this. They’re headed down a dead-end road with nothing to look forward to—nothing.”
Isn't scripture fascinating?
I am amazed how lesson after lesson from God always results in my freedom. He truly wants no bondage to contain his daughters. He wants us free, happy, content, bold, brave, and confident. Anything holding us back is going to be at odds with our God.
What a Savior.
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