This year, for our holiday trip, we are taking a train ride across the country.  It is a new experience for the kids and I, and I'm actually writing this post from my seat on the train.  I am a pretty adventurous traveler and I love to experience new things, so I'm excited.  Our trip will cross into the new year, which is actually my favorite holiday with God.  I love reflecting on the year gone by, but even more I love asking Him what He wants me to learn in the new year.  I packed a new journal for myself on this trip, and I plan to jot down the lessons God wants me to learn in the upcoming year.  

The first time I took a New Year's trip was the year of my divorce.  It was New Year's Eve and I didn't know what was going to lie ahead.  I asked God to tell me what I needed to do.  How was I going to move forward?  Holidays immediately following divorce are terrible, and I felt so bad that year.   

God told me to work on finding my place.

I wrote it down, even though I wasn't sure what it meant.  

I was so excited that I went out and bought stickers to decorate my journal.  I put stickers down the spine of my journal that said "Finding My Place".  On the cover of the journal, I found another set of stickers that said, "This Story".  I liked it.  It was a new year, and "this story" was going to be about finding my place.  Neat.

Little did I know what God had in store for me and my little stickered journal.  How can you find your place when you have no idea who you are or where your value lies?  How can you find your place when everything that defined you has been stripped away?

Well, dear readers, you can't.  

As I focused on finding my place, I began to realize that everything in my life was out of place.  At work, I was doing work that I needed to delegate to others.  But, I was living in such a place of fear that I wanted to do everything myself.  I couldn't take the chance of disappointing my superiors because I couldn't disappoint yet another person.  So, I was overworked and exhausted.

In my personal relationships, I made friendships that weren't good for me.  I was functioning in relationships that were out of place in my life.  With my kids, I wasn't parenting as I should have been.  I was trying to be their friend because I didn't have it in me to deal with conflict.  I also didn't want to lose my relationship with them.  

Slowly but surely, God showed me all of the different areas of my life that were out of place.  To say it was sobering was an understatement.  I knew things weren't working but I thought it was all stemming from the pain of my divorce.  God showed me I was making decisions that were causing me dysfunction.  I was out of place and I didn't even know it.  Yes, the divorce had put me in a tailspin, but the decisions were all mine. 

Finding my place was no longer a cute motto down the spine of my journal.  It was a complete overhaul of my life and it required me to face things I didn't want to face.  I filled my journal with the cutest of stickers, but the words inside of it were anything but cute.  I wrestled and fought to find my place.  I was terrified of rejection and disappointment. 

If I delegated at work, what if my co-workers didn't like it?  If I ended friendships that didn't honor God, how would I handle disappointing those friends? How would I even approach those conversations?  If I drew boundaries with my kids, I was terrified I would lose them.  They were teenagers at the time.

Oh, I poured my heart out to God with all of my fears.  I felt like my entire world was going to come crashing down if I made the changes I needed to make.  My heart wouldn't handle the rejection of everyone who was going to be unhappy with me, I was sure of it.  Yes, I was out of place, but at least everyone was happy with me.  Or at least the "me" I pretended to be.

What a lie from the devil.  

Isn't it interesting.  We're willing to hurt ourselves by compromising our beliefs rather than face rejection.  Rejection hurts, but compromising our beliefs will destroy us.  God knew I was being destroyed.  It was slow, but it was happening.  If there's one thing God doesn't like, it is His daughters being hurt.  He's a protective Father.

I bought more stickers and I even purchased muti-colored pens to let God know how serious I was about my journal and finding my place.  I continued to pour my heart out page after page, my fears highlighted in glittery, gel pens.  As I did, I also slowly made changes, one at a time.  

I started to get better.  My fears began to calm.  Anxiety no longer ran rampant all day, every day.  Friendships that weren't good for me fell away easier than I thought.  It shouldn't have been surprising since they weren't based on anything real. (Mini-lesson here: You don't have to protect relationships that aren't based on truth.) My workload became manageable and the team rose to the new challenges.  But, the biggest shock was my kids were happy to have their Mom back.  My chaos had become their chaos and even though they pushed against the new boundaries, they also found comfort in them.

Towards the end of the year, the journal was starting to fall apart.  I'd filled every page, and it was a large journal.  The spine was starting to come loose and a few pages were starting to release from the binding.  One of the stickers on the front of the journal had come off, and I knew it was time to find a new journal soon.  I went to the kitchen to get a piece of scotch tape to tape the fallen sticker back on.  The "T" from "This story" would no longer stick to the cover of the journal.

As I went to tape the "T" back on, I realized what had happened.  The front of my journal now said "His story".  I dropped the tape as my eyes filled with tears.  The T was never meant to be there in the first place.  All of this time, I thought I was writing my story in glittery ink.  But, my place was in His story, not my own.  How could I not have seen it?  Of course finding my place was all about His story.  

I never replaced the sticker on that journal and it remains on my bookshelf to this day.  I've filled many journals since, but none will be so special as that one.  

Yesterday, I was on a flight with my kids, kicking off our vacation.  We sat next to a mother who also had her two teenage kids with her.  She and I began chatting.  They were going to North Carolina on vacation, and I told her we were going to the Grand Canyon. 

"Do you always take a vacation at Christmas?" I asked her.

"No," she said as her eyes watered.  "This year I just went through a really big divorce and we just needed to get away.  So we are going somewhere new and doing something different."

"I'm sorry," I told her.  "It has been about five years since my divorce and I completely understand.  It gets easier every year."

"It doesn't feel like it will," she said.

"If I could give you one piece of advice, after so much change, take your time to find your place again."

She nodded.  The plane landed and we went our separate ways.  I couldn't help but think of my journal as she walked away, and His story.  I still marvel at how He saved me from myself.  How merciful and mighty our God is.  

He loves us like no other.

The holidays are here.  Are you ready?  

For a family that's been through divorce, holidays can be hard. Days that were once fun and exciting can invoke a sense of dread.  Traditions that were special can feel like duty, trying to get through all of the memories, knowing the day will not feel the same.  

For this reason, I often take trips with my kids around the holidays rather than celebrate at home in a traditional way.  I suppose running from heartbreak probably isn't the answer, but I like to give it a good try.  I'll take a plane, train, or an automobile if it gets me out of holiday heartbreak.

Our holiday trips have become so enjoyable that we prefer them to traditional holidays.  I'm no longer running away from the holidays, now I look forward to them.  Our vacations have become a time of reset for us, a time to focus on God and our relationships.  

I had a recent conversation with a friend who was planning an annual Christmas party at his small business.  He was wondering if he should change the name to Holiday Party instead of Christmas Party so he didn't offend non-Christian guests.  "It doesn't bother me to change the name," he said, "because it is a work party and not about God.  It truly is a holiday party."

It was an interesting comment that made me think.  I wonder how many of our Christmas parties are holiday parties.  For that matter, how many of our traditions are merely holiday traditions?  Do they really celebrate Christ?  That's when I finally understood my avoidance.  I dread holiday parties, not Christmas itself.  In fact, I adore Christmas.

So, as I book my vacation this holiday season, I thought I'd share a few of my reminders to myself for the holiday parties I will be attending (or hosting) this season.   

1.  You don't have to pretend.  No scripture in the Bible rewards human attempts towards perfection, or for that matter, attempts to be like someone else.  In fact, the Bible tells about Jacob who pretended to be his brother Esau to receive a blessing from his father.  He decided to deceive his father because this particular blessing was only handed down to the firstborn son.  Being the second-born son, Jacob decided to deceive his blind father by impersonating Esau.  

The results of pretending to be his brother were life-changing for Jacob.  He was on the run for twenty years and lived in fear of Esau for decades.  But, Jacob didn't understand one very important thing.  God isn't going to bless who you pretend to be.  He will only bless who you really are.  You don't have to pretend, deceive, or impersonate someone else to get a blessing in your life.  God is looking for an honest life to bless, not an imaginary one.

We don't have to pretend everything is perfect and assume God will bless us for pretending.  Sometimes it is easier to hide pain behind imaginary holiday masks, but God sees right through it.  He sees the tears we shed before the big dinners.  He knows what its like to say goodbye to our kids while they spend holidays with both families.  He understands heartbreak, and He loves us through it. We are his daughters, after all, and He is a really good Father.  

This holiday season, you can stop pretending.

2.  Slow down and focus on one thing at a time.  You're called to be an active participant in your life, but not the one who controls everything.  

For the past two years, God has called me to simplify my life.  Over and over, when I seek his guidance on decisions, He reminds me to choose the simpler option.  He wanted me to sell my house and move closer to my job, reducing my commute time.  He wanted me to break free of relationships that were complicated in my life.  These relationships that were harming me and leading me away from Him.  Then, in the midst of my move,  I had the bright idea of going back to school in the evenings.  God warned me this is the opposite of simplifying my life, and I am certainly glad I am not taking evening classes right now.  

One thing is very clear to me.  God wants me to be free.  

Now that I'm understanding the need to simplify big things in my life, I understand He also calls me to simplify my daily life.  Don't take on too much.  Slow down and focus on one thing at a time.  Stop creating to-do lists that are impossible to conquer.  Let others handle tasks for you, instead of needing to control everything.

Not that I would ever need to control everything.

Do you want to hear something amazing?  When I first started down this road of simplification, I thought it was impossible.  Who else was going to do everything that needed to be done if I slowed down?  How would this work?  But, whenever I had days that were overwhelming, God always stepped in.  He would either provide help to me (but I had to accept it), or he would straight-up clear my schedule through miraculous events.  He always provided a way for me to choose a simpler option.

God does not want us lost in the hurry and the busy, living life mentally exhausted.  He wants us to do our tasks well, but He doesn't want us drowning in them.  This means we don't have to take on too much.  Sometimes we need to say no and recognize our limits, and sometimes we need to accept help.  But most importantly, we need to talk to God as we make our way through the day.  He knows the decisions that are best for us.  

3.  Gratitude is the only way to approach the season.  No one receives the peace of God without giving thanks to God.  Did your main course just burn in the oven? (I am asking this hypothetically, of course.) You don't have to be thankful for the burnt food, but you can be thankful in the situation.  Perhaps we didn't get the Christmas bonus we wanted this year.  We can be thankful we have a job that's paying the bills.  Maybe you're like me, and your kids aren't spending Christmas day with you this year.  You can be thankful for the time you do get with them, and grateful they have so many people who want to see them over the holidays. 

Gratitude is not ignoring that life is hard.  It is simply being thankful for the blessings we do have instead of focusing on what we don't have.  It is the decision to fill our emptiness with God's glory and grace.  There's nothing like a fresh perspective to pull us out of a difficult place.

Psalm 100:4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.

God is capable of delivering us from every difficult situation, and He will deliver us.  He is God and beside Him, there is no other.  Speak faith into your situation, and remember you are a loved daughter of the Most High King.