It is a beautiful Saturday, and the ability to sleep like this is a blessing. I don't take it lightly. I've spent years with troubled sleep, so when it happens so beautifully, I am grateful. I live high off the ground in an apartment building in the city, and I sleep with the window open. I let the cool breeze flow over me, and listen to the sound of the city as I lie in my bed.
It is still surreal to me. Our apartment is small, and my son and I both prefer it over our large family home. It isn't quiet like our country home. It doesn't have all of the amenities, or a yard, or the peaceful, tranquil setting.
And yet, I sleep. Better than I have in years.
I don't understand it. I only know God is so good to me. He's bringing me back from the brink of breakdown, back from decades of burnout, and slowly I am beginning to come back to life. Things that were once gray are starting to have color, and joy is infused into the smallest tasks that were once overwhelming.
I lived on the edge of burnout for many years. I was in a difficult marriage, working a high-stress job, and raising kids who had been traumatized in their first few years of life.
Then came the divorce.
By the time divorce came along, I had already been living a life of burnout, like many who have gone through this process. At the time you desperately need recovery, you find yourself grasping for strength to go through the most challenging event of your life. It has been nearly five years since I've been separated, and three years since the divorce. Throughout those five years, I've been clawing myself out of a deep hole, trying to get to promised land, past the pain and self hatred.
Past the burnout.
Every year brings progress and a closer walk with God. Goodness, what a journey. There were days where I made progress and there were days where I started over at the bottom of the pit again. There were days where one foot in front of another was all I could do. I would dread waking up in the mornings because the first hour of the day took me to the depth of my grief for a long time. The remainder of the day was spent recovering.
But, God doesn't waste pain. He used mine to remind me where my worth and value truly reside. If I thought it was in my marriage, it wasn't. My job didn't define me either. Neither did my kids, my hobbies, my relationships, or even my own personal opinions and beliefs.
Only the God of the universe defines me. He says I am His daughter.
When I was in high school, I took a photography class. This was before digital photography, mind you, so we developed photos in a dark room. When we took a photo, we didn't know what it looked like for days or perhaps even weeks. We simply trusted it was a good photo because the original image was beautiful to us.
In my photography class, I learned to remove film from its protective container. If the film was exposed to too much light, it was ruined. So, all film had to be removed in a dark room. We had a dark room in the back of our photography class, a large closet that our teacher had converted. The closet was lit with red lights, just bright enough for us to see, and a table was set up with trays containing fluid to develop our photos.
Over the course of the semester, I learned how to develop the photos in the dark. They took a long time to develop. At first, only the faintest outline of the images could be seen, but over time, they developed depth and color.
We hung our developing photos to dry in the dark room, and once they were finished, they were bought into the light. My favorite part of the process was watching the photos transform during their development. Often times while they were developing, the images would seem distorted. I couldn't see how they were going to develop into something beautiful. But, they always did and when they were finally brought into the light, they looked even more beautiful.
Our valleys with God can feel the same way. We may view our darkness as death, but God views it as development. We may view our problems as distortion, but God knows the end result is going to develop into something beautiful.
There's some serious development happening in the dark room after a divorce. In the dark, you find yourself, and you're reminded Who defines you, instead of whatever title you're wearing at the time. Rhonda the wife, Rhonda the employee, Rhonda the mother were all different titles that defined me. But what happens without the title?
Well, friends, I can tell you. You end up in the dark room, with a sign that says "Under Development" on the door.
God can take any of our titles away at any moment. If we lose one of our titles, we'll feel like we've screwed up and possibly ruined our lives, whether its our fault or not. But, God is sovereign and in control. He knew this was coming. So, He gave us a title we can't lose.
Daughter of the High King.
He gave us a title that gives us eternal worth and value. He gave us a title that is the same, yesterday, today and forever. His titles last for eternity.
