One of the most difficult things about going through something traumatic is navigating the changes that come from it. In my case, with my divorce, I was already traumatized by the deterioration of my marriage. But, in the midst of it all, the ramifications of the event itself requires so many decisions. What do finances look like now? Where will we live? How will I work and take care of kids at the same time? It is difficult to think clearly, let alone make these huge decisions.
Don't get me wrong, these are important decisions. But, looking back on it now, the biggest decisions coming from life-changing events are spiritual. All of these spiritual questions that seem to appear boil down to one central idea. Do we want to live life with or without God? Something as serious as divorce causes you to re-examine your identity. What will the focus of your life be on a daily basis now?
Speaking from a place of total transparency, I was tempted to throw a lot of my beliefs out the window during the first few months of our separation. I wanted to get away from my problems. I would rather go out with friends and have some drinks than face a stack of unpaid bills at home. I'm grateful for my kids, because during this time, I knew I couldn't become the exact opposite of the values I'd taught them. I loved them more than I loved myself at that time, and I continued on the right road for them.
Isn't interesting how the devil comes into our lives at the most opportune times? He loves trying to numb our broken hearts with anything other than God. Even though the devil tried to hide it, the real question that was sitting in front of me was whether I still stood for Christ when my life fell apart. Did I want a life with or without God?
I didn't make all of my decisions perfectly, trust me. But I eventually chose to continue a life with God. Once I gave into that decision, He became my lifeline, my true Savior that saved me in the midst of my pain. I started to ask, God please tell me how to choose you. Show me how to get closer to you. Teach me to seek decisions that bring me peace rather than chaos.
God is so faithful, and He gave me concrete ways to seek Him. I made a list (of course I did!) in case you're in a similar situation. You've chosen to trust God, but you're needing to be close to Him. You're needing to know Him better. You need to know He loves you, and you need to be reassured that He's there and He's not going to let you fall.
I know that type of desperation, and here's what I learned:
Develop some routines. With my personality, I have to be careful with this one. But, I needed something I did every day that cultivated a more loving relationship with God. I would suggest starting with just one routine if you are wired like me and can easily cross into a line of legalism. I'll assign myself ten routines off the bat, then I'll feel like a failure if I don't do all of them. Don't do this! This is about God, not you, so don't make the focus of this around your own performance.
Find yourself a routine that allows you to communicate with God. Perhaps it is time with a journal. Maybe at breakfast, you break out your Bible while you eat your eggs. If you need some exercise, maybe a walk with God is a great routine to begin your day. A long drive into work could offer opportunities to talk to God. Whatever it is, find something you can do every day that will allow you to connect with God without distraction.
I'm not sure I recommend my routine, but I'll tell you what I did anyway. I took some serious notes during church at this time of my life. I also had a long commute into work that took nearly two hours a day of my time. So, during my commute I would read my notes out loud to myself. There's safety concerns with this, so I don't recommend you repeat it. But, I was just so desperate to get God into my mind that I would sit and repeat those notes over and over to myself while I drove.
By the time I got to work, many days I was in tears. As I read through my church notes and verses, every day there would be a new layer of truth revealed to me. I would learn something else about God's love for me, and I was so starved for love during this time of my life, that coming into contact with God's perfect love released a flood of tears every morning. It was healing, and it was something my heart needed so much.
Make God the center of your life. I was in such a place of desperation that I simply told myself God has to be at the center of everything, because anything else was too painful. God had to come first and everything else needed to be second. I needed Him to lead the way, because I didn't trust myself to be in the driver's seat of my own life anymore.
Everything we do pours out of what's at the center of our life. If you're beating yourself up because you're not the person you want to be, please stop feeling terrible. I spent a lot of years trying to change myself overnight. My focus was on my behavior. But, what pours out of you comes from what's at the center of your heart. Instead of trying so hard to change myself, I realized I had to make a shift to put God first. He has to be the source of our love and that's what changes a person. We can't give others what we don't have, and we need God's love to be the focus of our life.
There's a good section in Deuteronomy that talks about making God's truths the center of our lives:
Deuteronomy 6:7-9 Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
Start today. Its never too late to start (or restart) utilizing routines to make God the center of your life. Choose one. Plan your day, and if something comes up and you're unable to complete your routine, try again. The devil will try all kinds of things to derail you, but don't give up. Making God the center of your life is life-changing, and you can restart as many times as you need.
We will always choose to make something the center of our lives. When we don't choose to make God the center, we will inevitably choose something much worse. We may choose anger, alcohol, bitterness, or many other destructive tendencies.
Instead, work to integrate God into all situations and circumstances, make Him the center, and watch your life change. He truly is our Savior.
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