I woke up yesterday to the sound of a woodpecker making his presence known on my metal guttering. It was raining at 5:30 a.m., but it didn't stop the bird from letting me know my plans for sleeping in were not in alignment with his Saturday morning priorities.
I got up, stumbled to the coffee machine, and fixed my coffee. I watched the sun rise on my deck. I thanked God for letting me have time with Him in the morning. Then, a thought occurred to me.
I'm healing.
A year ago, most mornings began with a wave of anxiety and fear. Waking up in the mornings was torture, as I tried to convince myself to have the courage to face my day. But, on this particular Saturday, my morning was full of peace.
I knew why.
Its been a tricky thing, letting go of things as God has asked. I went through some severe sadness over the past few weeks from truly, truly letting go of my ex. Letting go isn't as easy as I wish. It means I don't stay mad anymore. Staying mad means I'm not letting go. It means I don't talk negatively about him anymore. Talking about him means I'm not letting go. It is time for me to just, well, let him go.
When God revealed He was asking me to fully let my ex go, not simply cut off communication, I went through a period of tremendous sadness while contemplating my obedience. It seems counter-intuitive. Wouldn't I want to get better? Wouldn't I want to get well? Apparently, I'd rather hold onto toxic emotions than get better. God has really been showing me this over the past few weeks, highlighting my typical biting comments I make every so often. Letting my ex go doesn't mean I quietly sit in the background and seethe with anger. It means I let everything go. I move forward. I stop talking about him.
My kids are older, so part of this means I have to let them have their own relationship with their Dad. I have to let them go, too, now that they're at an age where they need to be able to handle their own relationships.
I come back, time and time again, to my goal I set with the Lord in January. I want to bring my flesh under God's authority. I want to make an intentional movement to bring my decisions in line with my beliefs. While it may feel limiting, it is the opposite. It is about finding my freedom. God wants to free me of these shackles that I continue to carry around. He wants me to find physical and mental health by freeing me of approval addiction and self focus. His plans are always to prosper me. He's not a fan of watching his daughter suffer.
So, I said yes to God. I'm still working at it every day. I'm surprised by how much hurt it drug up, simply agreeing to let go of my anger and stop talking about him. But the flesh never gives up without a fight. So, I spent a few weeks feeling very sad, asking God to please fight this battle for me.
Amazingly, one day, it just got better. I could sit through a conversation about my ex, nod, and focus on the next thing I wanted to accomplish that day. No point in seething with anger when I couldn't sit and complain. I had to move on, because the other option is staying in the past. I don't want to live there anymore. I was never intended to.
I have no doubt I'll continue to struggle in this area, but on the deck, waking up to a peaceful morning, I realized something.
Obedience to God brings peace and fulfillment. Not only to me, but to those around me. God loves me tremendously.
He's ready to show me the rest of my life.
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