Have I told you that I was bit by a spider recently?
I didn't see it happen, but I certainly noticed the results of the bite. My skin turned dark purple around my ankle and my foot swelled up. The skin around the bite started to slough off. My son took a picture of it and googled spider bites, as he urged me to seek medical attention for my "oozing monstrosity".
I did what any other normal person would do. I ignored my son's morbid research. I had a busy week at work ahead and didn't have time to see a doctor. I slapped a few band-aids over the "monstrosity" and went about my business. It looked terrible, yes, but it was fairly painless and every day the swelling seemed to be getting a little better.
I did have one symptom that bothered me, though. I had an upset stomach. I asked God to please help me (even though I wouldn't help myself by going to the doctor) and I felt his clear guidance to go to the pharmacy and get some medicine for my stomach.
As I arrived at the pharmacy, I considered which medication I should buy. Pepto was the typical choice, so I did what any normal person would do and I purchased Milk of Magnesia. It was basically the same as Pepto Bismol except I liked the color of Milk of Magnesia. I thought it would help more with my stomach ache. White minty medicine was certainly going to be more soothing than pink, and I'm sure many others have thought the same thing.
Some of you who know what Milk of Magnesia is have probably already figured out the punchline of this story. Well, good for you, but unfortunately for me at this point in my life I had no idea that Milk of Magnesia was a laxative. Apparently, I also did not read labels. I can assure you that now I do.
But, back to my story.
I purchased my minty white medicine, went home and took a large dose. No need to delay, because the Lord himself had guided me to the pharmacy. I was sure I felt better immediately. I made dinner, watched something on Netflix and went to sleep.
The next morning, I was a little surprised by a few things that happened in the bathroom. My stomach still didn't feel great, so I took some more Milk of Magnesia and went to work. It was a bit of a rough day at work, and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom again. By the time I got home, I still wasn't feeling great so I took some more Milk of Magnesia.
I fear all of you will question my intelligence when I tell you this, but this went on for a week. I drank nearly an entire bottle of Milk of Magnesia over the next five days and I continued to spend more and more time in the bathroom, wondering if this is just how my life was going to be from now on. It was one heck of a week, and by the end of it, I was also considering taking allergy medication because if I sneezed at work, I feared the results.
Finally, I decided it was time to text my Mom about it, because Moms always know what to do in situations such as these.
Me: You wouldn't believe the week I've had. This spider bite is something else. I've been in the bathroom all week!
Mom: What are you taking for it?
Me: Milk of Magnesia. I got it at the pharmacy last weekend.
Mom: (Long Pause) Why would you take Milk of Magnesia? Do you know it is a laxative?
Me: No, its like Pepto. It soothes your stomach.
Mom: Its a laxative.
Me: No, its like Pepto.
Mom: Go look at the label.
Me: (after looking at the label) ITS A LAXATIVE
Mom: Why did you buy Milk of Magnesia?
Me: Why did you never teach me Milk of Magnesia is a laxative?
Mom: Can you read???
I quit texting and marched upstairs to her apartment. "How did you know Milk of Magnesia was a laxative?" I asked. "Well I can READ, daughter," my mother replied.
She was sitting in her recliner, laughing, with her phone in her lap. "I only wish your grandmother was alive to hear this story," she said as she wiped her eyes with a tissue. She was right, Grandma would have really laughed about me telling her about my ferocious spider bite that landed me in the bathroom for a week.
"I really thought this was a spider bite straight out of hell," I told her. "I guess on the bright side, I've lost four pounds this week". She started laughing all over again, and if nothing else, I was able to provide some entertainment for my sweet mother.
After my week in the bathroom, I was pretty relieved to find out the cause. Embarrassed, but relieved.
I've been trying to come up with some spiritual lessons in this story. I couldn't find any, so I tried to find three lessons in this story that perhaps are not spiritual. I actually came up with five:
1. When confronted with an unknown medical issue, call your Mom sooner rather than later. Moms know a lot of things and apparently they can also read.
2. Milk of Magnesia is a laxative.
3. Milk of Magnesia is a laxative.
4. Even when God leads you to a pharmacy, you should still read the labels.
5. Milk of Magnesia is a laxative.
If you're wondering how the story ends, my spider bite is healing. I still have not seen a doctor. I realized that my stomachache is likely antacid and has nothing to do with my spider bite (yes, my Mom figured that one out, too). I now take Prilosec for the antacid and I have unfortunately gained my four pounds back now that I am no longer in the bathroom constantly.
Sometimes life is so complicated.