"Welcome to Arizona," the Uber driver said as he picked me up from the airport.  

Welcome, indeed.  I was going to spend several days in Arizona for work, soaking up the warmer weather and letting my fingers and toes thaw from the winter back home. I was greeted by large cactus (cacti? cactuses?) upon exiting the airport and I snapped a picture.  The sunshine brought me so much joy that I couldn’t help but announce to anyone who would listen that I wasn’t going back home.  It was warmth to my soul.

But, as time is prone to do, it passed quickly.  Soon, the week was over and I had to go back home despite my declarations.  Stepping off the plane into the freezing temperatures was a rude awakening. Since returning home, I’ve been walking around the apartment, cranking up the thermostat and running the electric fireplace, trying to warm up from the inside out.

Back to Arizona, please.

While I was away, I put a lot of effort into defending my morning routine. It’s always tough to stick to a routine while traveling, but mine is essential for my mental health, so I worked hard (and lost some sleep) to maintain it. Although I definitely miss the warm temperatures in Arizona, I have to admit it feels good to be back to my frigid humble abode—if for no other reason than how easily my routine is falling back into place.

Do I wish the temperatures outside were in the eighties right now? Absolutely. Am I better off at home with my kids, our dog, and a case of frostbite? Yeah, probably. Home is where I belong, where God wants me to be, and where I’m needed. Sometimes, the best place for us isn't always the place we’d choose at the present moment.

Today is a cold day, and the wind is howling while the snow is falling.  The temperatures will drop into negative numbers this week.  I stayed inside today, watching travel documentaries on beach destinations, and cooking in my little apartment kitchen.  Both of my kids sat at the counter barstools and chatted away about their week.  They missed their Mom, and it felt good to be reunited with them.  It was a perfect day, even if the temperatures outside were going down instead of up, and I was grateful for it.  

I played a beautiful winter scene with piano music on the television and flipped through old church notes today.  I found a list I made a few years ago titled "What Do I Need?", written during some of the most stressful times of my life.  I had listed the following:

Reassurance

Rest

Confidence

Kindness

Calm 

Contentment

Consistency

Forgiveness

In the notes at the bottom, I wrote to myself "Notice what is not listed.  Money or health insurance."

I was in a bad place when I wrote this list.  Clearly I had far more serious concerns than the weather, and I had forgotten about when the kids and I were in need of health insurance.  That's a tough reality when you have a kid with cancer.  I'm not sure why insurance didn't make my list of "needs" other than I felt selfish asking for it, but God interceded anyway.  

I didn't want to be in that place at the time, but God used it to teach me about Him in more ways than I could imagine.  I was trying so hard not to worry, but I was terrified about my situation.  Life has changed so much since then, and God has blessed me with a wonderful job that has allowed me to provide for my family. 

The pages of my notes were wrinkled and worn and I flipped through them carefully.  I ran my fingers across writing in bold letters that said He has given us everything we need for life (2 Peter 1:1-11).  I had written another note below the bold letters that said This is a divine promise.  I am not sure that note was for me so much as it was for God, reminding Him that I needed for Him to deliver.  He promised, after all.

Have you ever been so desperate that you had to cling to God's divine promises with everything you had?  Have you ever read the Bible looking for those promises, hoping there's something in there about your situation that can offer you hope?  I sure have.  The Bible reads differently through the eyes of desperation.

One of the biggest lies from the devil during times of desperation, particularly during divorce, is to convince you that you are incapable and ineffective in your situation.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  You are capable in Christ.  God has the power to turn you into the most capable, effective, and productive person you know. 

I flipped the page and read more writings from my desperation:

"Today I will stand my ground.  I am not letting my enemy ruin my life just because I have a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety.  This is not how I am meant to live and I have a right to claim a life of peace and joy in the name of Jesus Christ.  If I stay strong, Satan will start to become afraid of me instead of me being afraid of him.  I know I have what's within me to defeat the devil but I don't know how to use it.  Teach me, God."

What a battle.  What a fight for my mind, for my peace, and for survival in my circumstances.  I know the strength in that declaration did not come from me.  Its an incredible thing to look back at your most difficult moments and see the footprints of God, carrying you through the storm.  I'm blown away by His faithfulness and His love.  He never leaves our side, not even for a moment.

As I spent more and more time with God through my storm, the way before me slowly began to open up.  Step by step, day by day, things began to get better as I depended on His mercy for my needs.  I know now this is called walking with God.  At the time, I only knew He was slowly taking my anxiety upon Himself and giving me kindness in return.  I learned God is full of compassion, gently and patiently leading me out of my nightmare.

With God, difficulties can be turned to deliverances and problems into praise.  I'm living proof of it.  The other side of my storm is as bright as the Arizona sun, but I couldn't see a ray of light at the time.    Despite my time in the Arizona sun this week, I’m reminded the greatest warmth is from the presence of a God who never leaves, who always provides, and who turns our struggles into testimonies of His love and power. 

And for that, I am forever grateful.

I’m not sure what to say or do.  I don’t want to make things worse. But I feel God is calling me to get on a plane. In moments like this, friends show up, so that’s what I’m doing. I’ll arrive a few days early to offer support, run errands, or simply be there to sit with her. I’m trusting God to guide me in doing the right things.

It brings to mind the story of Job in the scriptures. When he was enduring intense trials—grieving the loss of loved ones, suffering from illness, and in excruciating pain—his friends arrived and sat with him in silence for days. They didn’t speak because they understood that his suffering was too deep for words.

Sometimes, when words fail, simply showing up with a faithful heart is enough. God will take care of the rest. Some of my favorite Bible stories are about people who showed up, and the results were nothing short of miraculous. Answering God’s call and showing up, even when you don’t know what will happen or how He will use you, is an act of faith.

The woman with the issue of blood is one of those narratives.  For twelve years, she had endured this condition, spending all her money on doctors, but nothing helped. Desperate and terrified, she felt this was her last chance. Sometimes, desperation drives us to act boldly, and she knew that if she could just touch Jesus' clothes, she would be healed. 

She showed up just as Jesus was on His way to perform another miracle. That was fine with her—she didn’t want to stop Him or draw any attention. She wasn’t interested in making a spectacle; she just wanted to be healed. With determination, she pushed her way through the crowd, and when she was close enough, she saw her chance. As God would have it, she reached out and touched the edge of His cloak. In that moment, her suffering ended, and her life was forever changed.

The interaction stopped Jesus in his tracks.  The crowds were pressing in on Him from all sides. In fact, when Jesus turned around to look for the woman—whom He called daughter—it was difficult to spot her in the sea of people. Yet, He knew that someone had touched Him, and He was determined to find her. The disciples, however, couldn't understand why Jesus was searching for someone who had touched Him—after all, everyone was touching Him!

Even though others in the crowd were touching Him, they weren’t doing so out of faith. They were there for different reasons.  Perhaps they wanted to see if He was real, to find out if the stories were true. Some were likely hoping for a good show, as miracles can be quite entertaining.

But, she knew. She knew He was the Messiah, and she knew He could heal her. After trying everything else, she wasn’t there out of curiosity.  She was there because she desperately needed a touch from her Savior, no matter how small. Her faith drew His healing power, prompting Him to seek her out. Jesus recognized the touch of His child, the touch of a faithful woman who needed Him. He felt the healing leave His body the moment she touched His cloak.  Her deeply personal struggle required His deeply personal healing.  

The Bible records His words to her once she made herself known in the crowd. 

Mark 5:34  He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

Jesus wasn’t satisfied with a mere impersonal encounter. While touching His cloak healed her body, God’s love seeks to heal the heart and soul. He didn’t have to call her out of the crowd.  After all, He was on His way to perform an even greater miracle. But He did because He wanted her to know she was His daughter. 

He knew her name and where she was in the crowd, but He needed her to understand that she wasn’t just another face in the crowd. She was His child, His daughter. Not only did He heal her body, but He also gave her a new identity: Daughter of the King. She walked into the crowd an outcast, but left as a princess—healed in ways she hadn’t even hoped for.

Not only did Jesus give her an identity, but He did so in front of the crowd, ensuring they knew she was His daughter. Remember, a condition like hers meant she was shunned from society and considered ceremonially unclean. According to the law, she couldn’t touch anyone during her bleeding, nor for a week afterward. And since her condition had lasted for twelve years, her life was marked by shame and loneliness. But all of that changed with one encounter. In front of the crowd, her Savior declared her healed, claimed her as His daughter, and ended her suffering.

Isn't amazing to think about what God does for his daughters who show up with a faithful heart?

Abraham showed up, too. He was living a comfortable life—successful, surrounded by friends and family, much like we all hope for. Then God called him to go somewhere new, somewhere different. And here’s the kicker: God didn’t even tell him where he was going! Could you do that? I can say with confidence that I probably wouldn’t have been able to.

Abraham experienced miracle after miracle because of his obedience. In hindsight, I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. The devil’s goal is always to derail us from God’s plans, using anything he can—fear, distraction, sin, addiction, and in Abraham’s case, even familial ties. But the act of showing up with faith, no matter how uncertain the circumstances, can lead to profound transformation.

Just as the woman with the issue of blood was healed by her bold step of faith, and just as Abraham received God’s blessings through his obedience, we too can experience the power of God's intervention when we respond to His call. It’s not always about having the right words or understanding the entire plan, but about trusting that when we show up with a faithful heart, God will take care of the rest. . 

I sat next to my friend at dinner after her husband’s funeral. We talked about everything and nothing all at once. The past few days had been a whirlwind of decisions and planning for her, and I could tell she was still in shock. At times, the conversation fell quiet, and things even got a bit awkward.  I thought of Job's friends and simply sat in silence with her.

As everyone started to leave, I said my goodbyes. I told her I loved her and that I’d do anything for her. I couldn’t think of much else to say, but after spending the past three days together, she knew my heart.

She wrapped me in a huge hug, and through her tears, she whispered, 'Thank you for being there.'

I drove away with a grateful heart.  My act of faith was small in comparison to the heroes of the Bible.  But, I was so glad I decided to listen to God and show up for my friend. We may not always know what lies ahead, but as we place our trust in God, He will guide us, heal us, and transform us into something far greater than we could imagine.

My alarm went off this morning, and I turned it off as quickly as possible.  I wanted another hour of sleep.  Two, if I'm being honest.  I'm not an early morning person and I don't think I ever will be.  I love a good sleep, so the first two hours of my mornings are the hardest part of my day.  I also wake up to fears and anxiety most mornings, and they begin speaking to me as soon as I turn off the alarm.  What if this doesn't go well at work today?  How will I handle that problem? The devil is a liar, and he begins lying to me the moment I wake up.  

For the past two years, God has been working on getting me into a better routine.  It often means I have to get up a little earlier.  Every day, I need to do some exercise, my five steps, write, and read a few pages from my book.  It sounds easy.  It should be easy, and it would probably be easy for others.  But, it is such a struggle for me to fit these things in every day.

Now, I can always find time for other things.  I stay caught up on my sports YouTube channels.  I can waste a good hour scrolling through my phone.  I find time to hit a new restaurant in my neighborhood.  Why are those things always so easy?

There comes a point where my desire to go deeper in my relationship with God requires discipline.  Going to church on Sunday is wonderful, but it doesn't require much from me.  The pastor and worship team do all of the work.  I know to grow any relationship means putting in effort and time.   I want to know God more.  I want to be near Him.  I want to be in the presence of Truth. 

Some days, I can find the time for my routine easily, particularly on the weekend  But other days, like today, require some extra discipline and an early alarm.  Do I like it?  No.  Am I glad I did it?  You bet. God is intentional with his relationship with me and I want to be intentional with my relationship with Him.

I'm working to grow a deeper relationship with God and also set some good routines.  Here's a few things I'm keeping in mind: 

1.  Routines are for us, not for God.  We are the ones needing a deeper relationship with God.  I wish I could say my desire to know God is simply due to my love for Him.  Yes, I love God deeply.  But, my story is one filled with mistakes, hurt, and failure.  I want to go deeper with God because I need Him.  Deep pain requires a deep relationship, and girl, I've got some deep pain.  My soul needs healing, and I know who my Healer is.

A few years ago, I was on vacation in Florida.  It was a hot, sunny day, and I was swimming in the ocean, enjoying myself.  I love to swim, and I particularly love being underwater while snorkeling.  It is quiet underwater, and there's an entire world to explore.  I love to see God's creativity at work.  I saw crabs, tropical fish, and plants on a glittering backdrop of white sand.  I let myself relax, float along, and explore for quite some time.  

When I finally decided to return to our spot on the beach, I swam to shore and was surprised to see how far I had drifted from our towel and umbrella. Completely lost in my underwater world, I hadn't even noticed.  It took me quite a while to walk back to our spot.  

The same is true of our spiritual life.  Life will bring suffering, pain and even distraction.  The waves are always pulling us in one direction or another.  Nothing in life is neutral, so we're always drifting somewhere.  We can choose to go deeper with God, or we can drift backwards where it is comfortable and familiar.  Going deeper requires discipline, because we often have to swim against the current instead of allowing ourselves to naturally default back to our comfort zones.  

We may even have to set an alarm at 6 a.m.

2.  A habit takes time to form.  According to Google AI, a habit takes an average of sixty-six days to form.  That's a long time!  I think it probably takes longer for me, because I am more stubborn than the average person.  When you decide to add something new to your routine, remember that perfection isn't the goal.  Life will throw you curveballs, and you may fall off schedule - but don't give up.  Instead of being hard on yourself, simply pick up where you left off and continue incorporating it into your days.   

About a year ago, I decided I needed to add exercise into my daily routine.  In my thirties, I actually ran a marathon.  But now, the only running happening was to the refrigerator and back.  I was carrying a lot of pain in my arms and shoulders from sitting at a desk all day, and I knew God was calling me to take better care of my body.  

I decided to train for a marathon again.  I had a rigorous routine, but no matter how hard I tried, I kept failing at it.  I didn't want to do the long runs.  I had no desire to plan my courses.  I failed over and over.  I was so frustrated with myself.  I had run a marathon before, so why couldn't I do it again?

I prayed for help.  God, you want me to exercise but I can't do it.  Give me the desire, Lord!  Give me the discipline!  Then, God asked me Why do you need to run a marathon?  Now, you dear reader, may have common sense and realize this is a logical question.  Also, as a side note, isn't it always interesting that God often asks us questions in response to our problems?  

It hadn't occurred to me that I could add exercise into my routine without training for a marathon.  I didn't have to shoot for the moon.  There is a happy medium between running a marathon and never getting off the couch.

I began to exercise for five minutes a day.  It may sound silly, and I questioned why I was even bothering.  What would five minutes a day do for me?  Surely I needed to work out for a minimum of thirty minutes.  Nevertheless, I found Youtube exercise videos and worked out for five minutes at a time.  Every time I would try to increase my time, I would lose my consistency.

It took several months, but soon I was doing my five minutes of exercise every day.  My back and shoulders felt better and I could feel that I was getting stronger.  I had implemented something achievable for me.  Starting with extremes is a very difficult way to implement a new routine.  Setting realistic expectations is important.     

2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

3.  Remember your goal.  Establishing a routine is all about freedom, not restrictions.  Anything that brings us closer to God and aligns us with His will for our lives brings freedom.  It may not feel that way when the alarm goes off in the mornings, but if we are aligned with God's will in our routines, they will bring peace. 

Exercise brings me peace, as does my five-step method of prayer.  I also find peace in reading about God, and writing - my greatest joy - brings me the deepest sense of peace.  I don't understand why things that are good for us require discipline, but they do.  The flesh is at work, and it wants to stop us from living the life God has in store for us.

It's easy to see the discipline of going deeper in our relationship with God as a restriction, but in reality, true restrictions come from a lack of discipline.  When I don't exercise, I experience back and shoulder pain.  When I don't pray, my anxiety increases.  Of course, we can go overboard with our routines.  We don't all need to be in marathon training.  But, deepening our relationship with God takes effort, and it isn't always easy.

When Jesus met the woman at the well, it was during the hottest time of the day.  It was unusual for someone to be at the well at that time of the day, but she was.  Why didn't she retrieve water with the other women first thing in morning?  After five different husbands, she was ashamed to face the other women.  She knew no one would be there at the hottest time of the day.  She was living a life of restriction.  Jesus was there to free her from her life of restriction.

Our goal is to experience the freedom that occurs by deepening our relationship with God.  A little discomfort when the alarm goes off at 6 a.m. is nothing compared to the peace and joy I feel after spending time Him.

Galatians 5:1  It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

I was hurt by someone close to me this week.  It isn't anything new and if I'm being honest, it happens more than it should.  When she is triggered by something wrong in her life, she lashes out at those around her.  Especially those closest to her.  She hurts friends and family she loves, even though she honestly regrets it later.  One of those innocent bystanders close to her happens to be me. Well, I am probably best described as a bystander.  Innocent might be taking it a bit far.

We've been here before.  She says something hurtful, and I'm not one to let something hurtful go.  I respond in anger and hurt her back.  Predictably, drama ensues and the entire situation becomes exhausting.  I absolutely detest this cycle, but my temper always gets the best of me when these things happen.

Now things have changed.  I've been doing work around forgiveness and my temper, and I'm starting to react to these sorts of situations differently.  Maybe I don't need to go on the attack every time she attacks me.  Perhaps I can exhibit patience and restraint, even though she knows how to light the fuse to my red hair.  Is this even possible?  For a redhead?  God tells me it is.

How are we supposed to handle recurring hurt when it happens over and over?  What are we supposed to do about difficult relationships in the family or a work environment when we are not able to remove the person from our lives?  

The answer largely depends on the type of relationship, but here's a few thoughts around handling difficult relationships in your life that cause pain.

1. Focus on the Shield and not the Sword.  If someone is grating on your last nerve or causing your temper to flare, one option is to eat a bag of Cheetos.  However, if you do eat a bag of Cheetos, don't get the flaming hot ones.  An angry attitude plus flaming hot Cheetos is a bad combination and you don't need anymore fire in this situation.  Get the regular cheesy kind.  

Once you're done with the Cheetos, consider why this is continuing to happen.  Do you need to set some healthy boundaries?  Are you participating in this process in a way that is making it worse?   Your peace is God's gift to you.  Choose decisions that bring peace regardless of needing to prove your point.

Repetitive hurt requires a shield, not a sword.  Protecting yourself doesn't necessarily mean attacking the other person.  If you think about it, it is actually harder to protect yourself when you're on the attack.  When your focus is on offense, it is far more difficult to defend against an opponent's counterattacks.  A defense that is not able to be compromised never needs an offense anyway.  So, put away your sword, and focus on your shield.

Matthew 26:52: Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword.

God loves you tremendously.  You are His daughter and as a result, you are royalty.  God doesn't want His daughters living a restricted life.  We are meant to be free.  Often times these situations are an attack, designed to introduce unforgiveness and anger, ensnaring us into a prison of the mind.  We need to recognize an attack from the devil when we see one.

So, how do we defend ourselves against these attacks?  Where do we find our magical shields?  At a garage sale or an antique store? 

Psalm 7:10 My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart

God actually describes Himself as our shield.  This is great news, because you do not have to visit your local flea market to find yourself a shield, which could be difficult and time-consuming.  You already have One.  He is the One who protects us.  We don't have to defend ourselves in every situation because we are already protected. We have an invisible force field of love from the One who created us, protecting us on a continual basis.

But wait, there's more!   

Ephesians 6:16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one

Faith is confidence that God is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do.  When the Bible tells us to take up our shield of faith, we need to remind ourselves of truth.  God is who He says He is.  He will do what He says He will do.  He says He will protect me, and He will.  I don't have to defend myself anymore and I certainly don't have to attack.  I probably don't even need the Cheetos.

2. Focus on Boundaries.  Did you know the Bible has many examples of  appropriate boundaries?  Jesus showed us over and over again the need for boundaries.  Consider the amount of people He came into contact with on a daily basis.  Some were great, some were not.  Some loved Him and some wanted to use Him for their personal gain.  Either way, He always kept appropriate boundaries.

Matthew 5:37 "But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one"

When Jesus performed miracles, He often asked the recipient to do their part.  He asked one man to take his mat and walk, another to wash his eyes in a pool, and He once asked a sick man "Do you want to get well?".  

As Jesus was pressured, He didn't hurry or become stressed.  Even when His friend Lazarus was deathly ill, Jesus took two days to arrive at Lazarus' home.  He traveled when He could and stayed focused on His purpose, not everyone else's agenda.  He didn't exist in a harried, hurried state and He never worried about whether people were upset with Him. 

He was compassionate and generous, but He didn't take on other people's problems.  He told the truth in love.  He advised His followers to sin no more, give up the money that was controlling them, and have faith like a child.  He declined His disciples' plan to make Him into a political figure.  He knew who He was, and He didn't allow Himself to be used.  When His family had motives for Him that didn't align with His purpose, He refused to see them. 

Physically, He rested and took care of his body.  He took naps, even at inopportune times.  He withdrew from crowds to spend time with His creator.  

Healthy boundaries are not selfish.  They are critical for maintaining our peace and fulfilling our purpose.  Recurring hurt requires boundaries and the type of boundary needed is dependent upon the situation.  With my situation, part of my boundary is that I am no longer allowing someone else's pain to become mine.  This person doesn't get access to me when she is hurting me.  I can control if I am drug through a cycle that I detest, not someone else.  Just as Jesus was compassionate, I can be also.  However, I don't have to allow someone to hurt me over and over.  Boundaries allow this to happen without attacking the other person.  

"When a spouse says to the alcoholic, "you need to go to AA," that is obviously not true. The addict feels no need to do that at all, and isn't. But when she says, "I am moving out and will be open to getting back together when you are getting treatment for your addiction," then all of a sudden the addict feels "I need to get some help or I am going to lose my marriage." The need has been transferred. It is the same with any kind of problematic behavior of a person who is not taking feedback and ownership. The need and drive to do something about it must be transferred to that person, and that is done through having consequences that finally make him feel the pain instead of others. When he feels the pain, he will feel the need to change...A plan that has hope is one that limits your exposure to the foolish person's issues and forces him to feel the consequences of his performance so that he might have hope of waking up and changing.”

― Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

3. Focus on Forgiveness.  Once we've taken up our shield of faith and implemented boundaries, we don't want to allow past hurts to keep us in any sort of shackles.  Forgiveness stops past hurts from becoming future hurts.  

I had long believed I was just an angry person.  I've got red hair and with red hair comes a quick temper, I always told myself.  Perhaps to an extent, some of that is true.  I do seem to be genetically inclined to overreact to small things.  But, when my mind is always set on anger and revenge then its also focused on the hurt someone else did to me.  If we're always focused on how someone else hurt us, of course we're going to be angry.  

God's plan is to heal our hurt and restore our peace.  Anger is a byproduct of hurts that aren't healed.  You can band-aid it by rolling around thoughts of revenge in your mind, but sooner or later, the wound just continues to ooze pain until you've become someone you don't like anymore.

Its a tough world out there right now, isn't it?  Turn on the news and you'll find an array of fear-inducing scenes.  Today alone, the headlines are reporting wildfires, terrorism, and wars.  Tomorrow will be the same reports, perhaps with different tragedies. Truth be told, I don't watch much of the news anymore.  After a while, it starts to create sadness, fear and anxiety in me.  

But, even everyday life can carry the weight of negativity.  Today, I woke up knowing I had several stressful meetings at work.  I needed to go into the office, so I had to navigate icy roads to get there.  I didn't sleep well last night, so I was tired.  I woke up angry and had to remind myself to forgive people who wronged me.  (This lesson in forgiveness seems to never end.)  These challenges aren't particularly unusual, but even usual everyday life can be hard.  

Have you considered how much we overcome on a daily basis?  There's appointments, deadlines, and unexpected curveballs that come daily.  It can feel like the deck is stacked against us before we ever get out of bed!  But, even if it feels that way, God reminds us the deck is not stacked against us.  It is actually is stacked against our enemies.    

Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord.

God is always protecting us, because He loves us so much.  If you're struggling with the overall negativity of the news, everyday life, or simply dealing with fear that's running rampant, I've got a few thoughts to keep in mind.  

1.  Be a light in the world but don't take on the problems of the world.  Perhaps some of you are in the stage of life I'm currently experiencing, with kids who are entering into adulthood.  My daughter is twenty-two years old now.  She is making her own decisions, and it can be hard to adjust from being a mother to teenagers to letting my kids live independent lives.  My daughter doesn't always make decisions I agree with.  It doesn't mean she's intentionally doing anything wrong, but I can see problems coming down the road from decisions she might make out of inexperience.

However, all of us had to learn to be adults by experience.  I don't know why think I need to give her a complete rundown of how to do everything (which she loves, by the way), but I like to think I am simply sharing my wisdom.  The problem comes when I start to take on her problems as my own, instead of letting her learn how to navigate life. 

We're working through this together, and thank God, we are growing closer as we enter this new phase in both of our lives.  But, more and more, my role is to be a light in her world, not to take on her problems.  

Its the same with headlines in the news.  I have no control over those events, I am just called to be a light.  God is the authority over the world, not me.  With normal every day life, I will give my best effort towards my responsibilities.  But, there's always going to be things outside of my control.  I'm called to be a light, trust God, and not take on problems that aren't my own.

2.  Fear always discounts the presence of God.  Fear is a mirage.  A mirage is an image which looks real, but isn't really there.  As a person gets closer to a mirage, it disappears.  Fear is the same way.  When you step closer to it and confront it, it disappears.  

Fear's job is to convince you of the worst possible outcome of any situation.  Once the seed of negativity is planted, fear reminds you of the worst possible outcome again and again.  It will continue to do this until you begin to believe the worst outcome is not just a possibility but an inevitable reality.  Fear is one of Satan's most effective weapons against people of faith.

But, God tells us no weapon formed against us will prosper.  Our minds must counteract fear with scripture, because scripture tells us God is with His people.  He brings victory to situations with no hope.  He confuses and confounds our enemies, so there's no doubt God Himself has entered into war on behalf of His children.

The Bible tells us not to fear three hundred and sixty-five different times.  That's one reminder for every day of the year.  God tells us to be strong and courageous, not to be frightened, because He is with us.  He tells us He will strengthen us and even uphold us.  He says whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.  

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Proverbs 29:25 - The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

God cares about our mindset and He does not want us living in a state of negativity and fear.  He knows fear causes bondage, and He doesn't like anything that puts His children in bondage.  

3.  Declare God's Promises.  I have been watching a lot of football lately, which means I am also watching a lot of commercials.  I keep watching all of these new, fancy cellphone commercials.  I have been thinking about my phone and how it doesn't have the latest, most awesome-est technology.  Finally, last week, I broke down and ordered a new phone.

I'm really excited.  I told my kids about it.  I told them about all of the newest, coolest features and we even watched some YouTube videos about it together.  I explained the AI that's coming on this phone, and how it will be able to do so many things my old phone couldn't do.  My kids are excited, too, because they want to see the new phone.

"Mom, where is it?  I want to see it." my daughter said.

Even though I was excited about it, I didn't actually have the phone yet.  With the snowstorm that has hit our region, shipping was delayed.  

"I haven't gotten it yet," I told her.  "But I know its coming.  Its in the mail."  Then I showed her the anticipated delivery date on my phone.  I don't doubt whether or not it will arrive, because it has been promised by the phone company.  

We should feel the same way about God's promises.  The Bible says to believe and receive.  If God said it, then its coming.  He doesn't lie, so we can count on His promises.  God promises us His love, guidance, protection, forgiveness, blessings, and even His presence.  That's by no means an exhaustive list, either.  

Are you waiting on guidance for a tough situation?  Its on the way.  Do you need protecting from forces that are threatening to do you harm?  You can count on it.  Do you need healing from years of hurt?  Well, God has promised it to you and it is coming.  

In the meantime, you can go ahead and declare it.  I don't have the new phone yet, but I am still telling everyone about it.  I know its coming.  You can declare God's healing over your past.  You can thank him for delivering you from a difficult situation, even though you're still in it.  You can praise Him because this world is still under His authority, and He has already obtained victory over it.  God's promises are true, and they are reliable.

I checked my schedule for the upcoming week and I felt fear making a play for my peace.  I had to take a deep breath.  There are some things on the schedule that feel challenging, even insurmountable.  But, things that feel like mountains to me are nothing for my God.  He hands me victory after victory, and the deck is stacked against anything trying to harm me.  All He asks from me is to show up and not be afraid.  

We visited the Grand Canyon over Christmas break.  I had never seen it before, so it was one more thing I can check off of my bucket list.  What an incredible, wonderous phenomenon.  God's handiwork displayed on this canvas called Earth is really something to behold.  As my kids said, the Grand Canyon is really grand.  It lives up to its name.

It reminds me of when I was once hiking up a mountain in Alaska.  We'd been hiking for several hours, and we were on a flat area of the mountain that was absolutely covered with wildflowers.  The sun was shining through the clouds and the flowers almost appeared as if they were backlit.  It was a gold spotlight, highlighting all of these gorgeous colors.  I'd never seen light like that before.  

The mountain range overlooked the sea, and I remember thinking to myself, this must be what heaven looks like.  It was the most beautiful scene I'd ever witnessed, to this day.  At that moment, I realized my mind couldn't imagine anything more stunning.  It was the only time I can recall being brought to tears by something so beautiful it could only be credited to God.  It took my breath away.

It makes me wonder.  What kind of God is so creative?  What kind of God cares so much about our surroundings, or about beauty in general?  Fascinating to think about, isn't it?

He not only made our surroundings beautiful, but He also made us beautiful.  Did you know that you're beautiful?  If you don't know it, let me tell you.  You are.  I'm not talking about the world's beauty standards, because those standards aren't true beauty.  

1 Samuel 16:7   But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Those laugh lines that are appearing more frequently on your face?  Beautiful.  How could years of laughter not be beautiful?  Gray hair starting to appear, or perhaps it has fully arrived?  Beautiful.  Those are years of walking with the Lord, and your wisdom was earned.  

Your sense of humor?  Beautiful.  Your thoughtfulness even though you've experienced years of hurt?  Stunning.  Your kindness towards those in your life?  Gorgeous.  Your laugh?  He loves it.  Your tears?  He collects them.  Your faithfulness?  He is moved by it.  

In God's eyes, it is not uncommon to become more and more beautiful as we get older.  Don't get me wrong, He thinks all of His daughters are beautiful regardless of age.  But, He sees the heart, and something happens to our hearts when we've walked with God for a long time.  

The kids and I hiked around a portion of the rim of the Grand Canyon on our vacation.  It was my favorite time of the entire trip.  We were away from the crowds, the tour buses, and the gift shops.  It was the three of us on a trail, overlooking some of the most stunning scenery imaginable.  There were no sounds except the ravens circling in the sky.   

Heaven for an introvert.

Both of my kids were ahead of me on the trail.  I was slow, because I kept stopping to take in the views and snap a few pictures.  But, the thing about taking pictures of the Grand Canyon is nothing seems to truly capture its beauty.  Its one of those wonders you have to see in person.  I tried and tried, but I was never happy with the photographs.  

I can tell you, however, that the true beauty is inside the canyon.  Layers and layers of different colored rock (sediment?  I didn't do well in Geology class) are what make it beautiful.  Some appear to be white.  Some look red.  Some look purple.  Some look orange.  The layers were created over time, under pressure. Together they look like a painting, created by a talented artist.

When we walk with God, the layers inside of us become beautiful, too.  Have you ever thought about the different chapters of your life and the type of layer it would create?  I've got a childhood era that has a lot of layers.  What about when you became an independent adult?  When/if you got married ?  When/if you had kids?  If layers are created by time and pressure, I should have a few.  Some still have jagged edges.  But, all together, they're the beautiful story of a life that I've been privileged to live.

The kids and I finished our hike and found a restaurant for lunch.  It was crowded, and we got in line behind other hungry tourists waiting for a table.  I immediately missed the solace of the hike, and I knew I had just experienced the highlight of the trip.  God's beauty is incomparable, and even the smallest glimpse of his handiwork is rejuvenating to me.

How I love Him.

We are preparing for a large snowstorm this weekend.  I, no longer a homeowner, do not need to worry about things such as my roof, my pipes, or shoveling my driveway.  I am not bragging.  Okay, maybe I am.  But I am also so grateful the Lord helped me to sell my home and simplify my life.  We would be digging ourselves out for days after this storm.

However, this post isn't about gratitude although I'd rather write about gratitude.  This is another post on forgiveness because if I have to continue learning this lesson, I figure I will drag all of you through it with me.

The thing with divorce is that it makes some people really sad.  It also makes some people really angry.  I fall into the latter category.  I am a recovering hothead, and my anger tendencies got so much worse through my divorce.  Sometimes things still happen that light the fuse straight to my red hair.  One of those things happened in the past few weeks.  

It was a situation that didn't have anything to do with my divorce, actually.  But, one of the lessons I learned from the aftermath of my divorce was I need proper and healthy boundaries.  I have done (and still am doing) a lot of work in this area.  It means I no longer drop everything for other people's needs (unless God asks me to), and I do not sacrifice myself (unless God asks me to) simply to please other people.  I've lived my entire life trying to get other people to like me because I didn't like myself.  The divorce magnified this greatly, and God has been trying to grow me in this area.  

So, this is a change for friends who are used to having my center of attention anytime they want.  True friends understand the reasons for my change, and they're supportive of my health and my new boundaries.  Others don't handle it so well.

I was dealing with the "don't handle it well" scenario while trying to establish healthy boundaries. I did something new for me, and I declined an invitation to see a particular set of friends.  Instead, I decided to allow myself time to rest and recover from a very long week at work.  Not only did I decline the invitation, I told them I probably wouldn't see them for a few months due to my hectic work schedule. 

All of a sudden my friends were no longer so friendly.  They became rude and demanding.  

Years of sacrifice for these friends, years of dropping everything for them when they needed me, and they can't be supportive when I am exhausted?  I was surprised.  I was hurt.  But, mostly, I was really, really angry.  

Yes, my fuse was lit over this situation.  I played scenarios in my mind.  How can I make sure they know they are wrong?  I needed to send the message loud and clear.  I pondered on this over and over.  Then, I went from pondering this situation to replaying things that happened fifteen years ago in my marriage.  I was wronged then, too!  I thought about things that happened in my childhood.  I was wronged then, too!  

I only had one problem.

Years of walking with our precious Savior have taught me when I'm this mad, I'm the one who is wrong.  How I wish it wasn't true.  But, Jesus has shown me that even if I'm completely, absolutely, and totally right (and I am right to set boundaries) but I am reacting with fury, I am wrong.

It was a shame, really, because I was on a roll.  I was about to set a lot of wrongs right.  I had imaginary text messages written in my head.  Fully edited.  But, the Holy Spirit put a quiet little question into my mind.  Are you really sure you want to allow your anger to control you like this?  

I didn't like the question.  I was, after all, setting boundaries God asked me to set.  So, I took to my journal, as per my usual.  I explained the situation to God, and I tried to find rationale for my rage.  There was none, no matter how many angles I explored.  God said exactly what I knew He would say.  I want you to forgive, and I want you to let this go.

So, now I had a choice.  I could listen to God or I could listen to my flesh.  One leads to freedom, the other leads to bondage.  I could make the hard decision now to forgive and walk in freedom, or make the easy decision to rant and live with hard consequences.  If I'm being honest, what I wanted to do is rant and send those well-written text messages.  But, I know deep down, I'm not on this earth to do what I want to do.  

I asked God how I could possibly forgive when I'm this mad.  Forgiveness is a great thing, yes, but I don't know how to practically make it happen.  But, again, God really isn't one to entertain my excuses.  

Pray for them.  Forgive them.

I told God that I would pray for them.  I would even say the words "I forgive them" in my prayers, but I knew I was still going to be mad for days and possibly weeks.  I would say the words, but nothing in my body was going to feel it.  It wasn't going to be sincere.

Every time you get mad, pray for them.  Forgive them.  Do your part and I will do mine.

If I prayed for them every time I got mad, I'd be praying all of the time!  How was this going to work exactly?  But, once again, I knew that if I didn't make the hard decision now to forgive I would be up all night, mad.  This girl really hates to lose sleep.  I would smolder for days, be miserable, and I would lash out at my kids.  Then, I would feel guilty and hate myself for being the angry Mom.  I really didn't want another ride on that emotional roller coaster.  I've ridden it enough.

All of a sudden, this became about me instead of  them.  I started to fully understand I was going to be the one who suffered.  So, I decided to try.  I mean, really try.

The first day was such a battle.  Every time the situation popped into my head, I would stop the thought process, pray for them, and tell God I've forgiven this and I am letting it go.  Sometimes it would pop into my head again five minutes later.  I'd have to do it all over again.  I must have prayed twenty or thirty times.  It was exhausting.  But, you know what?  Rage and anger are exhausting too.  So, I decided I'd rather fight the flesh than succumb to it.

That night, I told God I wasn't going to go to bed angry regardless of my absolute desire to fall back into my old behaviors.  As much as I could choose, I was going to choose forgiveness.  I couldn't believe it, but I slept like a baby that night.  It was a deep, peaceful sleep and I knew God was in this battle with me.  

The second day was a little easier, but not much.  The situation popped into my mind again shortly after I woke up.  So, I went through it all again.  I prayed.  I forgave.  I told God I was letting go.  Then, I did it again.  And again.  And again.  Once again, at the end of the day, I slept peacefully.

I awoke the third day and the situation popped into my head again.  But, this time things were different.  I had clarity that didn't exist before.  I wasn't angry.  I thought about their side of things.  I wondered why they were so afraid to allow me some space.  I thought about things that had happened to them, and fear they possibly had of losing people.  I didn't know why they reacted the way they did, but I came to the conclusion that it ultimately wasn't about me.  These issues were likely between them and God, and truly I did need to pray for them.

Then, miraculously, I was able to let it go.  If they continue to treat me this way, I reasoned, then they weren't my friends to begin with.  But, I can let it go.  If need be, I can also let them go.  I can do all of these things and not be angry anymore.

This may seem like common sense to other people, but this was a brand new thing for me.  The light bulb above my head turned on.  I have the ability to do things regardless of how I feel, including forgiveness.  I can be really, really angry and still choose to forgive.  I can be obedient to God during the storm, while the feelings are bubbling over.  My feelings do not get the final say! 

What a revelation for me.  What a new level of freedom.  I came across these verses in Job that were timely for me.  By revisiting every wrong that's ever been done to me (and also not recognizing wrongs I've done to others), it feels like entertaining evil in my mind as referred in the passage.  If you refuse to entertain it, you'll keep a firm grip on life and troubles will fade away.  

Job 11: 13-20 “Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him, If you scrub your hands of sin    and refuse to entertain evil in your home, You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.

You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dawn.  Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again; you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.

Expansive, without a care in the world, you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing.  But the wicked will see none of this. They’re headed down a dead-end road with nothing to look forward to—nothing.”

Isn't scripture fascinating?

I am amazed how lesson after lesson from God always results in my freedom.  He truly wants no bondage to contain his daughters.  He wants us free, happy, content, bold, brave, and confident.  Anything holding us back is going to be at odds with our God.  

What a Savior.

We sat down for dinner on the train.  It was getting dark, and windows showed shadows of buildings and landscapes as we passed through small towns.  We were in the dining car, and there were tables covered with white linen tablecloths in a row, down the length of the car.  Each table could seat four people.  Since there were only three of us, we would be seated with someone we didn't know.  The train had to make use of all the space it could.

We were seated with a single elderly gentleman.  He brought a book with him to read while he ate.  He wasn't intending to have much of a conversation, which suited my inner introvert just fine.  For the first fifteen minutes or so, he read while the kids and I chatted about everything and nothing in particular.  

After a while, he started to warm up to us.  Maybe it was our chatty nature, or perhaps he simply wanted a break from his book.  When the food was served, he had to put down the book anyway.  So,  he began to talk with us a little.  He was from Indiana and he lived on a farm.  He didn't give many details of his trip, and I didn't ask.  But, he'd ridden trains before.  

When he talked about his past trips, he always referred to "we".  We went to California.  We enjoyed the steak restaurant.  But, on this trip, it was "I".  I wondered if "we" referred to his wife and I also wondered if she had perhaps passed away.  

I looked at his left hand, but there was no wedding ring.  It didn't mean anything, but I couldn't help but wonder.  Perhaps she died before they could go on this trip together.  My heart went out to him.  

I stole a glance at the book he was reading.  It was called The Art of Racing In The Rain.  It was a good book and we'd watched the movie as well.  He asked us if we were familiar with it, because he couldn't put it down.  We told him yes, and we wouldn't spoil the ending for him, but it was quite a story.  

This ended up becoming a conversation gold mine as the topic shifted to dogs.  He told us all about his Golden Retriever, her loyalty and her charming personality.  He really missed her.  We love dogs, so the three of us enjoyed asking questions about the dog and sharing pictures of our Husky.

He mentioned some friends were watching his dog while he took this trip.  It confirmed my suspicion that no one else was at home.  I wondered how his wife died.  I thought about him returning home, alone, to his dog.  

After we finished eating, we said our goodbyes and wished him well.  The next day, we returned to the dining cart again for lunch.  The same man was sitting there, waiting for us.  He'd already eaten, but he wanted to see us again so he could show us pictures of his dog.  He pulled out his smartphone and we genuinely enjoyed looking at about a dozen pictures of a beautiful golden retriever.  

In one of the photos, the dog was curled up around the neck of an older woman.  She had a friendly face and I smiled at her hair.  It was dyed bright red but the color faded, resulting in a significant purple hue.  

"Who is this?" I asked.

"Oh that's my girlfriend." he answered.

I was so surprised.  How dare he have a girlfriend when his wife just died?  Perhaps he'd just begun dating and his wife passed a long time ago.  Maybe he'd lived his entire life single.  But, if that was the case, who was "we"?  And why wasn't the girlfriend watching the dog?  There was a lot going on with this situation, but you know, I'm not one to pry.    

Again, we said our goodbyes and he went on his way.  

The next day, we returned to the dining car for dinner.  We had a later dinner time, so by the time we'd arrived, there were no single riders to be paired with us for dinner.  I noticed the elderly man had been seated with another group.  The three of us chatted throughout dinner and as soon as the other group exited, he walked over to our table and sat down in the empty seat. 

"I finished the book," he said.

"Are you all right?"  I asked.  "We didn't want to spoil it for you, but its a very emotional ending."

"You're not kidding." he said.  "I think I need therapy."

I told him the story of when I was reading Where The Red Fern Grows.  Alex, my son, had a follow-up appointment at the cancer hospital.  At this point in his journey, his health was fine and we were there simply for a check-up.  But, at the time I was reading Where The Red Fern Grows in the waiting room.  If you've ever read the book, you know it is probably the saddest dog story ever written.  I was sobbing  uncontrollably as I made my way to the end of the book.  

Just around that time, the hospital was giving a tour to help with fundraising efforts.  All of these nice people were making their way through the lobby while the guide explained the different amenities for children in the waiting room.  Meanwhile, I sobbed in the corner uncontrollably.  I'm sure everyone thought my son was dying.  But, no, I was just reading Where The Red Fern Grows. 

The old man laughed at my story.  "I bet they raised a lot of money that day," he said.

"Well, they should have.  I was very distraught."

"I've never read that book," he said.

"I'm not sure I'd recommend it right now," I said.  "You need recovery time first."

He agreed, then got quiet.  "I miss the smell of my dog," he said. 

"That's a real thing," I told him.  I remembered my days of severe anxiety and my weekly therapy sessions.  The therapist asked me to think of calming things during one of my sessions.  I told her playing with my dog, petting my dog, and even the smell of my dog.  So, I knew what he meant when he said he missed her smell. 

"Yes, it is a real thing," he replied.  Interesting to me that he never once mentioned missing his girlfriend, but you know, that was none of my business.  

Our train was nearing the end of its journey, so he reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card.  

"If you'd like to keep in touch and share dog pictures," he said.  

I looked at the card.  It had his name, followed by a comma, then the word Friend.  It had his e-mail address and phone number, and the rest of the card was blank.  I was struck that someone would carry around business cards as a means of making friends.  We said our goodbyes one final time.

If there's one thing I've learned during my walk with Jesus, it is that nothing in life is a random encounter.  I certainly don't know why the connection was made with this old man, but I know there was a reason.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.

"That man was my favorite person we've met so far on this trip," my son said as we navigated the train station.

"Mine too," my daughter agreed.

I thought about what I would put on a card if I carried one around.  What if there were only one word to describe me?  Would it be Friend?  Accountant? Chocolate Lover? (technically that's two words) Introvert?  Here's my card.  I want to be your friend but I don't know how to articulate it because I'm an introvert.  

What would Jesus put on his card?  Savior. Friend.  Redeemer.  How do you describe Him without writing paragraphs? I don't think you can. The prophet Isaiah also struggled to describe the Messiah in one word. 

Isaiah 9:6: For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Can you imagine if the Messiah sat down at a table with you, just like the elderly gentleman did on our train?  If you looked into his eyes, would you know He created you?  Would you immediately recognize Him?  Would your heart skip a beat, sensing you were sitting across from perfection in the flesh?

It happened to the woman at the well.  She knew he was the Messiah.  Not immediately, though.  She was going about her everyday duties, drawing water at the well.  It was hot, and she wanted to finish her chores.  Then, out of nowhere, she had a random encounter with a stranger that would change her forever.  

She met her Creator.  

At first, she thought He was a prophet.  But when He told her He was the Messiah, she knew it was true.  He could tell her every detail about her life, even the details she wasn't so proud of.  She was so stunned by Him, and so excited that she ran away to tell everyone else.  She even left her water jar at the well.  

John 4:39 Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.” 40 So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. 41 And because of his words many more became believers.

I think about this scenario sometimes.  What would I do if I ran into Jesus?  I think I would cry for a long time.  I would cling to Him, begging Him to take me with Him wherever He was going.  If he were coming to my house, I'd likely go into full Martha mode, cleaning every surface in sight.  I relate to Martha, by the way, because I fully understand her plight.

But, what I would do in this scenario really doesn't matter.  The question is what would He do?  If we ran into Jesus, what would He tell us?

I'm sure many things He would say would be unique to us as individuals.  But, I do know this much based on the Bible.  He would tell us we are His daughters.  He would say He loves us.  He would say He was proud of us and our faith, no matter what kind of shambles our life might be in.  He would tell us we are beautiful.  He would say He wants a relationship with us.  He sees our struggles and He would remind us we are never alone.  He would say He can't wait to show us our permanent home, dwelling with Him forever.  

Our worlds would be rocked forever, because we've never come into contact with a love like His.  Love that changes a person.  Love that makes you run from a water well, leaving your jar behind, just to tell everyone else.  There would be no need for a business card, because an encounter like that could never be described in one word.

The woman at the well said it perfectly, in fact.  "He told me everything I ever did."  What more would there be to say?  He knocked her socks off, so much so that she didn't even try to describe Him.  She simply said He knew it all.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  And He loved me anyway.  

How can one not be forever changed by such an event?  

I returned home from our train trip, and I set the Friend card on my dresser.  I thought about the man, the dog, and the girlfriend with the purple hair. It was a random encounter that left an impression on all of us.  Perhaps I'll send him a few dog pictures every so often.  Maybe I'll send him a copy of Where The Red Fern Grows.  Who knows, maybe someday we will see him again on another train trip.  

But, I know this much.  

Random encounters are rarely random.

This year, for our holiday trip, we are taking a train ride across the country.  It is a new experience for the kids and I, and I'm actually writing this post from my seat on the train.  I am a pretty adventurous traveler and I love to experience new things, so I'm excited.  Our trip will cross into the new year, which is actually my favorite holiday with God.  I love reflecting on the year gone by, but even more I love asking Him what He wants me to learn in the new year.  I packed a new journal for myself on this trip, and I plan to jot down the lessons God wants me to learn in the upcoming year.  

The first time I took a New Year's trip was the year of my divorce.  It was New Year's Eve and I didn't know what was going to lie ahead.  I asked God to tell me what I needed to do.  How was I going to move forward?  Holidays immediately following divorce are terrible, and I felt so bad that year.   

God told me to work on finding my place.

I wrote it down, even though I wasn't sure what it meant.  

I was so excited that I went out and bought stickers to decorate my journal.  I put stickers down the spine of my journal that said "Finding My Place".  On the cover of the journal, I found another set of stickers that said, "This Story".  I liked it.  It was a new year, and "this story" was going to be about finding my place.  Neat.

Little did I know what God had in store for me and my little stickered journal.  How can you find your place when you have no idea who you are or where your value lies?  How can you find your place when everything that defined you has been stripped away?

Well, dear readers, you can't.  

As I focused on finding my place, I began to realize that everything in my life was out of place.  At work, I was doing work that I needed to delegate to others.  But, I was living in such a place of fear that I wanted to do everything myself.  I couldn't take the chance of disappointing my superiors because I couldn't disappoint yet another person.  So, I was overworked and exhausted.

In my personal relationships, I made friendships that weren't good for me.  I was functioning in relationships that were out of place in my life.  With my kids, I wasn't parenting as I should have been.  I was trying to be their friend because I didn't have it in me to deal with conflict.  I also didn't want to lose my relationship with them.  

Slowly but surely, God showed me all of the different areas of my life that were out of place.  To say it was sobering was an understatement.  I knew things weren't working but I thought it was all stemming from the pain of my divorce.  God showed me I was making decisions that were causing me dysfunction.  I was out of place and I didn't even know it.  Yes, the divorce had put me in a tailspin, but the decisions were all mine. 

Finding my place was no longer a cute motto down the spine of my journal.  It was a complete overhaul of my life and it required me to face things I didn't want to face.  I filled my journal with the cutest of stickers, but the words inside of it were anything but cute.  I wrestled and fought to find my place.  I was terrified of rejection and disappointment. 

If I delegated at work, what if my co-workers didn't like it?  If I ended friendships that didn't honor God, how would I handle disappointing those friends? How would I even approach those conversations?  If I drew boundaries with my kids, I was terrified I would lose them.  They were teenagers at the time.

Oh, I poured my heart out to God with all of my fears.  I felt like my entire world was going to come crashing down if I made the changes I needed to make.  My heart wouldn't handle the rejection of everyone who was going to be unhappy with me, I was sure of it.  Yes, I was out of place, but at least everyone was happy with me.  Or at least the "me" I pretended to be.

What a lie from the devil.  

Isn't it interesting.  We're willing to hurt ourselves by compromising our beliefs rather than face rejection.  Rejection hurts, but compromising our beliefs will destroy us.  God knew I was being destroyed.  It was slow, but it was happening.  If there's one thing God doesn't like, it is His daughters being hurt.  He's a protective Father.

I bought more stickers and I even purchased muti-colored pens to let God know how serious I was about my journal and finding my place.  I continued to pour my heart out page after page, my fears highlighted in glittery, gel pens.  As I did, I also slowly made changes, one at a time.  

I started to get better.  My fears began to calm.  Anxiety no longer ran rampant all day, every day.  Friendships that weren't good for me fell away easier than I thought.  It shouldn't have been surprising since they weren't based on anything real. (Mini-lesson here: You don't have to protect relationships that aren't based on truth.) My workload became manageable and the team rose to the new challenges.  But, the biggest shock was my kids were happy to have their Mom back.  My chaos had become their chaos and even though they pushed against the new boundaries, they also found comfort in them.

Towards the end of the year, the journal was starting to fall apart.  I'd filled every page, and it was a large journal.  The spine was starting to come loose and a few pages were starting to release from the binding.  One of the stickers on the front of the journal had come off, and I knew it was time to find a new journal soon.  I went to the kitchen to get a piece of scotch tape to tape the fallen sticker back on.  The "T" from "This story" would no longer stick to the cover of the journal.

As I went to tape the "T" back on, I realized what had happened.  The front of my journal now said "His story".  I dropped the tape as my eyes filled with tears.  The T was never meant to be there in the first place.  All of this time, I thought I was writing my story in glittery ink.  But, my place was in His story, not my own.  How could I not have seen it?  Of course finding my place was all about His story.  

I never replaced the sticker on that journal and it remains on my bookshelf to this day.  I've filled many journals since, but none will be so special as that one.  

Yesterday, I was on a flight with my kids, kicking off our vacation.  We sat next to a mother who also had her two teenage kids with her.  She and I began chatting.  They were going to North Carolina on vacation, and I told her we were going to the Grand Canyon. 

"Do you always take a vacation at Christmas?" I asked her.

"No," she said as her eyes watered.  "This year I just went through a really big divorce and we just needed to get away.  So we are going somewhere new and doing something different."

"I'm sorry," I told her.  "It has been about five years since my divorce and I completely understand.  It gets easier every year."

"It doesn't feel like it will," she said.

"If I could give you one piece of advice, after so much change, take your time to find your place again."

She nodded.  The plane landed and we went our separate ways.  I couldn't help but think of my journal as she walked away, and His story.  I still marvel at how He saved me from myself.  How merciful and mighty our God is.  

He loves us like no other.

The holidays are here.  Are you ready?  

For a family that's been through divorce, holidays can be hard. Days that were once fun and exciting can invoke a sense of dread.  Traditions that were special can feel like duty, trying to get through all of the memories, knowing the day will not feel the same.  

For this reason, I often take trips with my kids around the holidays rather than celebrate at home in a traditional way.  I suppose running from heartbreak probably isn't the answer, but I like to give it a good try.  I'll take a plane, train, or an automobile if it gets me out of holiday heartbreak.

Our holiday trips have become so enjoyable that we prefer them to traditional holidays.  I'm no longer running away from the holidays, now I look forward to them.  Our vacations have become a time of reset for us, a time to focus on God and our relationships.  

I had a recent conversation with a friend who was planning an annual Christmas party at his small business.  He was wondering if he should change the name to Holiday Party instead of Christmas Party so he didn't offend non-Christian guests.  "It doesn't bother me to change the name," he said, "because it is a work party and not about God.  It truly is a holiday party."

It was an interesting comment that made me think.  I wonder how many of our Christmas parties are holiday parties.  For that matter, how many of our traditions are merely holiday traditions?  Do they really celebrate Christ?  That's when I finally understood my avoidance.  I dread holiday parties, not Christmas itself.  In fact, I adore Christmas.

So, as I book my vacation this holiday season, I thought I'd share a few of my reminders to myself for the holiday parties I will be attending (or hosting) this season.   

1.  You don't have to pretend.  No scripture in the Bible rewards human attempts towards perfection, or for that matter, attempts to be like someone else.  In fact, the Bible tells about Jacob who pretended to be his brother Esau to receive a blessing from his father.  He decided to deceive his father because this particular blessing was only handed down to the firstborn son.  Being the second-born son, Jacob decided to deceive his blind father by impersonating Esau.  

The results of pretending to be his brother were life-changing for Jacob.  He was on the run for twenty years and lived in fear of Esau for decades.  But, Jacob didn't understand one very important thing.  God isn't going to bless who you pretend to be.  He will only bless who you really are.  You don't have to pretend, deceive, or impersonate someone else to get a blessing in your life.  God is looking for an honest life to bless, not an imaginary one.

We don't have to pretend everything is perfect and assume God will bless us for pretending.  Sometimes it is easier to hide pain behind imaginary holiday masks, but God sees right through it.  He sees the tears we shed before the big dinners.  He knows what its like to say goodbye to our kids while they spend holidays with both families.  He understands heartbreak, and He loves us through it. We are his daughters, after all, and He is a really good Father.  

This holiday season, you can stop pretending.

2.  Slow down and focus on one thing at a time.  You're called to be an active participant in your life, but not the one who controls everything.  

For the past two years, God has called me to simplify my life.  Over and over, when I seek his guidance on decisions, He reminds me to choose the simpler option.  He wanted me to sell my house and move closer to my job, reducing my commute time.  He wanted me to break free of relationships that were complicated in my life.  These relationships that were harming me and leading me away from Him.  Then, in the midst of my move,  I had the bright idea of going back to school in the evenings.  God warned me this is the opposite of simplifying my life, and I am certainly glad I am not taking evening classes right now.  

One thing is very clear to me.  God wants me to be free.  

Now that I'm understanding the need to simplify big things in my life, I understand He also calls me to simplify my daily life.  Don't take on too much.  Slow down and focus on one thing at a time.  Stop creating to-do lists that are impossible to conquer.  Let others handle tasks for you, instead of needing to control everything.

Not that I would ever need to control everything.

Do you want to hear something amazing?  When I first started down this road of simplification, I thought it was impossible.  Who else was going to do everything that needed to be done if I slowed down?  How would this work?  But, whenever I had days that were overwhelming, God always stepped in.  He would either provide help to me (but I had to accept it), or he would straight-up clear my schedule through miraculous events.  He always provided a way for me to choose a simpler option.

God does not want us lost in the hurry and the busy, living life mentally exhausted.  He wants us to do our tasks well, but He doesn't want us drowning in them.  This means we don't have to take on too much.  Sometimes we need to say no and recognize our limits, and sometimes we need to accept help.  But most importantly, we need to talk to God as we make our way through the day.  He knows the decisions that are best for us.  

3.  Gratitude is the only way to approach the season.  No one receives the peace of God without giving thanks to God.  Did your main course just burn in the oven? (I am asking this hypothetically, of course.) You don't have to be thankful for the burnt food, but you can be thankful in the situation.  Perhaps we didn't get the Christmas bonus we wanted this year.  We can be thankful we have a job that's paying the bills.  Maybe you're like me, and your kids aren't spending Christmas day with you this year.  You can be thankful for the time you do get with them, and grateful they have so many people who want to see them over the holidays. 

Gratitude is not ignoring that life is hard.  It is simply being thankful for the blessings we do have instead of focusing on what we don't have.  It is the decision to fill our emptiness with God's glory and grace.  There's nothing like a fresh perspective to pull us out of a difficult place.

Psalm 100:4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.

God is capable of delivering us from every difficult situation, and He will deliver us.  He is God and beside Him, there is no other.  Speak faith into your situation, and remember you are a loved daughter of the Most High King. 

It is a Saturday afternoon and I've just awaken from a deep sleep.  The type of sleep that makes you wake up disoriented, not sure where you're at.  Sometimes I still wake up and think I'm at my old house.  But, as time goes by, it happens less often.

It is a beautiful Saturday, and the ability to sleep like this is a blessing.  I don't take it lightly.  I've spent years with troubled sleep, so when it happens so beautifully, I am grateful.  I live high off the ground in an apartment building in the city, and I sleep with the window open.  I let the cool breeze flow over me, and listen to the sound of the city as I lie in my bed.

It is still surreal to me.  Our apartment is small, and my son and I both prefer it over our large family home.  It isn't quiet like our country home.  It doesn't have all of the amenities, or a yard, or the peaceful, tranquil setting.  

And yet, I sleep.  Better than I have in years.  

I don't understand it.  I only know God is so good to me.  He's bringing me back from the brink of breakdown, back from decades of burnout, and slowly I am beginning to come back to life.  Things that were once gray are starting to have color, and joy is infused into the smallest tasks that were once overwhelming.  

I lived on the edge of burnout for many years.  I was in a difficult marriage, working a high-stress job, and raising kids who had been traumatized in their first few years of life.  

Then came the divorce.  

By the time divorce came along, I had already been living a life of burnout, like many who have gone through this process.  At the time you desperately need recovery, you find yourself grasping for strength to go through the most challenging event of your life.  It has been nearly five years since I've been separated, and three years since the divorce.  Throughout those five years, I've been clawing myself out of a deep hole, trying to get to promised land, past the pain and self hatred.  

Past the burnout.  

Every year brings progress and a closer walk with God.  Goodness, what a journey.  There were days where I made progress and there were days where I started over at the bottom of the pit again.  There were days where one foot in front of another was all I could do.  I would dread waking up in the mornings because the first hour of the day took me to the depth of my grief for a long time.  The remainder of the day was spent recovering.

But, God doesn't waste pain.  He used mine to remind me where my worth and value truly reside.  If I thought it was in my marriage, it wasn't.  My job didn't define me either.  Neither did my kids, my hobbies, my relationships, or even my own personal opinions and beliefs.

Only the God of the universe defines me.  He says I am His daughter.

When I was in high school, I took a photography class.  This was before digital photography, mind you, so we developed photos in a dark room.  When we took a photo, we didn't know what it looked like for days or perhaps even weeks.  We simply trusted it was a good photo because the original image was beautiful to us.  

In my photography class, I learned to remove film from its protective container.  If the film was exposed to too much light, it was ruined.  So, all film had to be removed in a dark room.  We had a dark room in the back of our photography class, a large closet that our teacher had converted.  The closet was lit with red lights, just bright enough for us to see, and a table was set up with trays containing fluid to develop our photos.

Over the course of the semester, I learned how to develop the photos in the dark.  They took a long time to develop.  At first, only the faintest outline of the images could be seen, but over time, they developed depth and color.  

We hung our developing photos to dry in the dark room, and once they were finished, they were bought into the light.  My favorite part of the process was watching the photos transform during their development. Often times while they were developing, the images would seem distorted.  I couldn't see how they were going to develop into something beautiful.  But, they always did and when they were finally brought into the light, they looked even more beautiful.

Our valleys with God can feel the same way.  We may view our darkness as death, but God views it as development.  We may view our problems as distortion, but God knows the end result is going to develop into something beautiful.  

There's some serious development happening in the dark room after a divorce.  In the dark, you find yourself, and you're reminded Who defines you, instead of whatever title you're wearing at the time.  Rhonda the wife, Rhonda the employee, Rhonda the mother were all different titles that defined me.  But what happens without the title?   

Well, friends, I can tell you.  You end up in the dark room, with a sign that says "Under Development" on the door.  

God can take any of our titles away at any moment.  If we lose one of our titles, we'll feel like we've screwed up and possibly ruined our lives, whether its our fault or not.  But, God is sovereign and in control.  He knew this was coming.  So, He gave us a title we can't lose.  

Daughter of the High King.  

He gave us a title that gives us eternal worth and value.  He gave us a title that is the same, yesterday, today and forever.  His titles last for eternity.